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Health & Fitness

Mom Off the Hook!

Back to school is a mixed bag. Of course, there are the friends we haven't seen in 2 months, summer stories to tell, and the return to familiar routine and structure. This morning, I found myself fishing -- fishing with the same old bait on the same old hook. 

At about 6:30AM, I heard my husband in the kitchen, making the kids' lunches for school. This has been his job for a few years, probably since we had our third child, who was breastfed for an extended period of time and with whom we co-slept. It was a winning combo that ensured everyone's maximum sleep. Since her birth, I would wake without an alarm, rising on my own with enough time to wish my older two kids well and kiss them as they went out the door. I never had to dress them, feed them breakfast, or make their lunches. It's a pattern that continued, even when our youngest was done nursing and finally sleeping in her own bed, and even when I returned to work after a maternity leave that lasted a collective 8 years. 

Except that lately, in the mornings I've been waking up with an attack of The Shoulds.

  • I Should be making their breakfasts.
  • I Should be making sure they get dressed properly and on time. 
  • I Should be packing their lunches, and then taking a lovely Instagram of it and posting on Pinterest to show off my creativity and wholesome menu planning. 

(Okay, not the Instagram and Pinterest part.)

I shuffle out of bed and pour my coffee, because without that I can't even remember my name. It's coffee made by my poor husband, who also is in charge of breakfast, getting dressed, and then makes their lunches and gets the kids to school, and is the first point of contact with their teachers in the morning. The poor guy - he works. He sometimes turns on his computer at 5AM at our dining table and works, then goes to his office (after herding the kids) and works, then comes home after 7:30PM, is in charge of bedtime, then after 9PM, guess what he does? He works. 

But you know what? I work, too.  I won't go through a list of the things I do to manage the house and care for my family, but I assure you it is long. I won't make a list of what my husband does versus what I do, because the road to divorce is lined with reams of paper that have written on it lists like "I Did This, What Did You Do?" and "This Isn't Fair." 


And I also work hard at a job outside of my house. A job which sometimes has tough hours and little predictability, but earns us grocery money and a few take out meals a month and enables me to be the one who picks up my kids from school, brings them to the doctor, carts them to their actives, makes them dinner without boxed or frozen ingredients (except for peas), fills out their endless forms, and goes to teacher conferences.

Ok, so I made a list. 

But it's not about whether we are each working hard, because we are. Seriously, do you have any friends who are parents who are not working their tails off at their jobs at home and their jobs at work? I doubt it. But do you have friends who are parents who are working their tails off and somehow feel guilty because they feel like they should be doing better? WTF? (I love cursing without actually cursing.)

Starting today, I am letting myself off the hook. I don't have to take a look at all the things I should be doing better -- even housekeeping, which believe me, I suck at. And because I'm off the hook, I won't say I suck at it. 

  • It's just not a priority. I don't find it important enough to spend any further time on than I currently do. 
  • My husband takes the morning and the evening routines, because he's good at it, because it works with his commute, and because he just does. Because that's how we share parenting. Share. Parenting. Shareparenting. 
  • And I'm not an iconic, Lady Madonna Children At Your Feet, Instagramming Mom. But I'm a good enough mom, and my awesome kids love me, and we live in a messy house. 

And my husband sleeps until 9 or 10 on weekends, so there. 

And I'm off the hook for being a better parent, for making  "Because I'm a bad mom who should be doing a better job, that's why," my default answer regardless of the question. 

I'm off the hook. 


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Maria is the owner of A Mom Is Born, Doula Services and Life Coaching for Mothers. You can read more of her blog and about her work here: www.AMomIsBorn.com. Her next Personal Renewal Group for Moms, "A Mom Is RE-Born" begins on Sept 18th for 12 weeks, and focuses on Mothers, self-care, and self-compassion, all without GUILT! To learn more and register, see: http://www.amomisborn.com/Personal-Renewal-Groups.html


 
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