A Life Less Agitated

It's no secret that mothers today are pulled in many different directions. To combat that,  one of the things I encourage my clients to learn is how to say NO.  It's challenging, because we don't want to appear mean to our children, inflexible compared to other moms, unavailable to our employers, or indifferent to our community. Saying NO is a learned skill, but not only does it get easier each and every time, I have found that I relish opportunities to say NO, and I look for them every day.   

Here's where I've said NO just this month: 

• Those Things that That Person keeps giving me. Sure, those Things are useful, but that's my second thought when I see those Things sitting there. My first thought is of That Person, which as you can probably tell, is not a pleasant thought. Those Things? I said no, and threw them out. I don't miss those Things. And I spend less time every day stewing over That Person.   

• Anti-social behavior on social media. The 2012 election cycle gave me lots of opportunity to spew flames, but that's over (Thank God). Once the election furor died down, I winced at some of the memes that continued to appear in my newsfeed. They were mean-spirited, and due to the wonders of photo- and text-editing, not even factually reliable. And to what end? Any flame war that ignites in the comments -- is anyone learning anything from anybody? Is anyone listening to one another openly, with a genuine curiosity for an alternate point of view? Hardly. So I've said no, and blocked or unfriended some contacts whose venom I once enjoyed marinating in. The same is true for my professional networking, as there's no shortage of arguing and flame war in the doula and midwife world. What's in my newsfeed now? Wedding pictures post-DOMA, stories of strong women giving birth in empowered ways -- in short: good, celebratory stuff. 

• The I'm a bad mom disclaimer. It's that back-to-school time of year, when we are all exchanging email about school supplies, first day logistics, dress code. Not all moms have the answers, and here come the insults - not to my fellow moms, but to myself. "I know I should know this, but..." or "Forgive me for slacking on this, but please remind me..." and when a mom answers the question, there's time for yet another dig. "You are so much more organized than me!" I'm saying NO to apologizing for not knowing the answers and for needing to crowd-source some basic info. I'm saying YES to my ability to ask the right questions that get me the answers I need.   

• The Do-Over.  In the past 2 years, I started running, lost 30 pounds, and then stopped running, and found 30 pounds (this may be the first time I've admitted that publicly). I know I need to change that for my health and for my comfort in my own skin, so just this week, as I recommit to health, fitness, and wellness, I said no to what had worked fairly well at the time: counting food points, and tracking and plotting my distance, time, and pace. I deleted all kinds of record-keeping apps from my phone, all things that at some point sucked the joy out of running, cooking, and eating. I am running for the joy of feeling my strength, for traversing my beautiful city landscape, and for the solo nature of running and being inside my head, especially because so much of my day is chatting with children and talking to women about very serious things like childbirth and Motherhood and emotional fulfillment.